If Catwoman doesn’t like your press release, you have a chance in hell

Writing press releases is an art.

And one that, sadly, many PR executives (in Singapore at least) have yet to master.

I have, in front of me, two releases for an event this very evening and the launch of “the Pleasure Store at its third location” on Friday.

Both, though lengthy at first sight; Upon closer scrutiny, I found adjectives being thrown about liberally.

I used to be a proponent of adjectives, especially when writing snippets. I, too, had thought peppering sexy descriptions like “avant garde” (if you think about it, nothing is really “new” these days, and even saying “new” in a foreign language won’t help), “glittering” (vaguely remember that was used to describe a new gay hotspot), “vegetative” (I have the impression it was related to glittering, used thus: “Put on your dancing shoes and prance out of that vegetative lull because a spanking new – trust us, spanking is involved – club is in town. Glitzy, glamourous, gyrating go-go boys aplenty – perhaps you can even persuade one to go home with you as your personal glittering fairy atop your Christmas tree. Good luck!) would make whatever I wrote more attractive.

It doesn’t.

Though one must give the authors credit for trying, what the releases lacked in content was beefed up with verbosity. Case in point: “giving pleasure seekers another reason to rejoice” and “making this Christmas season even more pleasurable” – lifted from the Pleasure Store press release – are really the same sides of the same coin. And a third, “sure to bring out the sophistication and elegance in you for Christmas.” Hey, has it occurred to you I prefer my Christmas brimming from my silken stockings with debauchery and excess?

But the most glaring mistake had to be the proclamation that mistletoe is edible, “The new ingredients include Mistletoe leafs…” Spelling mistake aside, the mistletoe is poisonous – and I have proof from both Wikipedia and Catwoman.

And if Catwoman doesn’t like your press release, you have a hell in chance.

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